About
A Long COVID survivor/sufferer who also happens to be a Deb Talan super fan finds meaning in her journey through the sweet soulful songbird voice that is Talan's.
For more about my Long COVID journey, subscribe and stay tuned right here. For more about Long COVID, tune into the world, believe your friends and family when they tell you about their symptoms, and educate ya damn self.
Here's a start:
National Research Action Plan on Long COVID
Below you'll find the mini memoir's road map, a.k.a. TOC, a.k.a. table o' contents. That's contents as in crap contained within, not contents as in peaceful, warm, or fuzzy. There's nothing peaceful, warm, or, fuzzy about Long COVID. There's just a whole lotta crap.
Chapters will be released on a schedule compatible with the appearance of Long COVID symptoms themselves; sporadically and unpredictably. MmmmmK? Welcome to my world, babes! (Chapter 1 is already out in the world. Read it here.)
Dedication
Dear Deb,
I met you once in Nashville after a show and though my brain is foggy these days, it's a moment I'll cherish forever.
Years later, you gave me the gift of visiting my home state of Maine and - even better - presented a show that allowed a person like me (light sensitivity, noise sensitivity, all the dumb sensitivities) to stay for the whole thing and share my very favorite artist with my parents who'd come to town to help with my care taking.
You'll never know what that night at One Longfellow Square meant to me but for a person whose life has become incredibly small since the invasion of the long COVID body snatchers in March 2020, it was everything.
Thank you for the gift of your brilliance, your brain, your beautiful voice, your vulnerability, and your determination to tell your story. I hope you have even an inkling of just how much and how many you've inspired and empowered, including me. I don't think I could ever thank you enough or sufficiently but here's an attempt.
Love, Amy
Homework
"Your homework is to listen to some real music. Get inspired." ~Dewey Finn
Hell yes, there's homework! I'm a professor, ya ding dongs!
To get the most of this mini memoir, check out the following sources. If you don't, I can't be held responsible for any references you don't understand.
Required listening:
Recommended listening (because you'll get any inside jokes I mind wind up peppering throughout AND pods save):
Rich and Daily with Brooke Siffrinn & Aricia Skidmore-Williams
Bravo Docket (you'll actually learn some shit here!; watching Bravo is an intellectual endeavor and no one can tell me otherwise)
Dateline (murder show, murder show... but the podcast version)
Table of Contents
CHAPTER 1: World Spins Madly On
I woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on
-The Weepies
It's over. That life from the Before Times. I could hardly tell you what it felt like then. Everyone else seems fine. They look the same. They act the same. I can tell they think I'm crazy. I think we might be living in two different worlds.
CHAPTER 2: Not Your Year
Scattered showers on a wall, you watch long light fall.
Some impressions stay and some will fade.
Tattered shoes outside your door, clothes all on the floor.
Your life feels like the morning after all year long.
-The Weepies
Headache, brain fog, nausea, OH MY! Fatigue, vertigo, fucking malaise, just WHY! It's my very own Ground Hog Day.
CHAPTER 3: Does Not Bear Repeating
This is not the way I thought it would be
Thought it would be much lighter
This is not the way I thought it would be Thought it would be much brighter
...
I thought it was once but it was again and again and again
-The Weepies
Hope and belief. Gaslighting then grief. New provider. Repeat cycle.
CHAPTER 4: The More Colors That You Eat
The more colors that you eat, the further you will go
The more colors that you eat, the stronger you will grow
-The Weepies
More fiber. More fruits. More protein. More probiotics. More veggies. More variety. More water. More supplements. More whole grains. More fish. More lean meat. More exercise. More sleep. Track everything.
Fewer calories. Less sugar. Less alcohol. Less white flour. Fewer fried foods. Fewer preservatives. Fewer processed foods. Less fatty meat. Less exercise. Less sleep. Don't be so obsessed.
Love food. Proceed with caution. Love food. Be very afraid. Food heals. Food kills. Just do it. And lose some weight. Don't you care about your health? It's easy, dummy.
CHAPTER 5: Gotta Have You
No amount of coffee
No amount of crying, no amount of whiskey
No amount of wine, no, no, no, no Nothing else will do
I gotta have you
-The Weepies
There's no miracle cure. Of course there's no miracle cure. But if you're selling a miracle cure, I'm buying!
<<CHARLATANS - LOOK HERE!!!>>
There's a desperate sucker in your midst. I gotta have you, miracle cure.
CHAPTER 6: Please Speak Well of Me
Don’t say words that you don’t mean
When I’m gone, please speak well of me
Looking back now I only wish I had been kinder
…
Don’t hold back all your love for someday, for someday
I would say that I’m sorry if it would do any good
But to never regret means you have to forget and I don’t think that I could
When I’m gone, please speak well of me
-The Weepies
Death by puppies. If I've got to go, it's the way to do it. I certainly won't let the COVID body invaders win. I hope my kindness has outweighed my cruelty. I hope my joy has snuffed out the fire of my anger. I hope my legacy is one that shines light on wrong, aids in correcting it, and leaves a sticky, messy, all over the place impossible-to-erase blanket of love.
CHAPTER 7: I Was Made For Sunny Days
I was made for sunny days
I made due with gray but I didn’t stay
I was made for sunny days
-The Weepies
There was a time that I told anyone who would listen that this was my theme song. I was made for sunny days! I was the sunny, bright, happy, chipper, loud laughing, goofy girl who everyone could count on to put a smile on their face. Feeling down? I’d find you a silver lining. I was your silver lining gal.
Well, no more, my friends. FUCK SILVER LININGS. Silver linings are the self help world's mechanism for keeping us all in a state of zombie-like false consciousness.
I may be a fatigued, brain foggy, headachy, nauseated, vertigo-suffering zombie, but one thing I am not is unconscious. At least not falsely. No way. These days, when I'm unconscious it's for REAL.
My consciousness has been raised, baby. And I'm on a mission to raise yours, too.
CHAPTER 8: Big Strong Girl
It’s not now or never
It’s not black, and it’s not white
Anything worth anything takes more than a few days
And a long, long night
Don’t push too hard against the world, no, no
You can’t do it all alone, and if you could
Would you really want to?
Even though your a big strong girl
Come on, come on, lay it down
The best made plans are your open hands
-Deb Talan
I am preparing to fight. I'm gathering my team. Get ready world. Oh, you thought you could mess with a sassy sociologist with an agenda? Your mistake, suckahs.
CHAPTER 9: All This Beauty
All this beauty
Might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide
…
It takes an axe sometimes
A feather in the sunshine & bad weather
It’s a matter of getting deeper in
Any way you can
-The Weepies
Slowly, ever so slowly there's beauty again. A tiny bit. A teeny tiny bit. But yes indeed it takes an axe. Or a sledgehammer. Or sometimes a dagger. Or maybe a scythe, a la Death themself. Or just a coupla good old fashioned bloody fists, broken nails, the hoarsest loudest scream you can muster and a puffy cried out face. Now that can be a beautiful site. Ladies, am I right (shout out, Danny Pellegrino)?
AFTERWORD: Tell Your Story Walking
Tell your story, tell it, tell it
Tell your story to anyone who’ll listen
Tell your story, don’t stop talking just tell your story walking
-The Weepies
I may not always be walking (post-exertional malaise and all) but I am working to always be telling my story. Or maybe not my story but Long COVID's story. It's little known but I'm on a mission - with thousands of fellow survivors/sufferers, researchers, and good and decent providers (they're out there!) - to make it a best seller. And then to make the story of its demise an even better seller. Let's do this.