Who Are You Going to Be When You're Not Supposed to Be Anyone Anymore?
Years ago, in the pre-pandemic Before Times, I had the pleasure of attending a retreat with writing coach Tammy L. Houts and her trusty sidekick Linda George Brown. My sincerest thanks to them both for an amazing week that kicked off the year I wrote my book and for the writing prompt that got me thinking about who I might be as the passing years render me increasingly invisible.
Who Are You Going to Be When You’re Not Supposed to Be Anyone Anymore?
In the end, I’ll die in solitude, with the bitterness of loneliness.
At least that’s what the Pope has predicted for me, a married woman without children.
The Pope’s not alone in this sentiment.
Who will take care of you when you’re old? Aren’t you worried about dying alone? If I had a nickel for every time I heard these questions.
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_474,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F552e654a-87a8-4bf1-b416-3619fd1061d6_2268x2359.jpeg)
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_474,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fa9888d06-2634-4270-8468-037a35e8192a_4032x2268.jpeg)
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_474,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F709239a9-204c-4079-b4aa-a312e9109e80_2268x2322.jpeg)
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_474,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fd87a00ae-8a7a-4aca-bbfc-c9d04a4ddd5d_1836x3264.jpeg)
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_474,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ff5497416-8b15-4b94-a4b1-1f010a865776_2268x4032.jpeg)
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_474,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F82693c50-cc16-4a03-8bcb-d0c27fd2ff9b_3264x1836.jpeg)
This obsession with dying alone confuses me. I mean, unless you’re the victim of some tragic transportation accident or a member of Heaven’s Gate, we’ll all probably die alone. Few have the (mis?)fortune of dying in groups.
The chance that anyone will take her very last breath in the very same moment with a group in her very near vicinity seems, well, very unlikely.
We’re told that when we’re old, the only person we’re supposed to be is the person we are to our children. The people who knew us before aren’t around anymore.
We’re told that only those we brought into the world will see us. Only our children will know us. Only our children will care for us.
We’re told these things.
Never mind evidence to the contrary. (I discuss said evidence in Chapter 7 of my book, Childfree by Choice.)
Who am I going to be when I’m not supposed to be anybody anymore?
I’ll be the lady who shops in her pajamas. I’ll drink wine with breakfast. I’ll tell people what I really think.
When I’m not supposed to be anybody anymore, I’ll relish in my invisibility. Nobody cares what people they don’t see are doing. Imagine the things I’ll get away with!
Who will I be when I’m not supposed to be anybody anymore?
I’ll be exactly whoever the hell I want to be. And it will be glorious.
Worth Reading
I love Sari Botton’s Oldster Magazine on Substack and it’s not just because Sari speaks my language as a fellow 50-something Gen Xer (though it’s not not because of that, either). As Sari so astutely notes, we’re all the oldest we’ve ever been, and that can make each and every one of us feel old. But old’s not so bad. At least that’s what Oldster Magazine is aiming to help us understand. Aging is happening to us all. It’s perfectly normal. And if we make it an intergenerational conversation, there’s a lot we can learn from one another.
Worth Doing
When was the last time you did something age IN-appropriate? Well, my friends, carpe diem because now is the time. One thing I know - from experience! - that’s worth doing is shit we’re not supposed to do at whatever age we are. One of the greatest joys of my life was playing roller derby on a team of mostly 20-somethings as a 40-something. Was I too old to be on that track? Possibly. Did I care? Hell no! More recently, I’ve taken a liking to wearing whatever the hell I want. Should a woman of a certain age don a cheap, polyester sweatshirt featuring a Santa hat wearing pizza cat paired with a bright orange-red short skirt that accentuates her ever-expanding middle-aged middle? I say hell to the yes. It certainly brought me some joy. And that made it worth doing. Now, go find your age inappropriate thing worth doing. Trust me, you’ll like it.