I think this is one of the things that was hardest for me--how utterly unreliable I became, and sometimes still am. I was not a great wife, step-parent, colleague, friend, or family member. I lost time with loved ones that I will never get back. New teachers I was supposed to be mentoring did not get the support they deserved. My team shouldered much of my work and there is no doubt that it was an unfair burden to place on them. Likewise for my husband, who was left maintaining a life and a household meant to be shared between us. For a long time, I knew all of this emotionally but lacked the ability to express it, even to myself. So my apologies were late in coming and I fear that some people are lost to me forever. While this makes me sad, I don't blame them. Keep these posts coming, cousin. They are difficult for me to read, I think because they so echo my own lived experience and because they elicit the irrationality of survivor's guilt. At the same time, I look forward to reading them. Your words are helping people to understand the unimaginable and I thank you for it.
Oof. You hit me in the feels, Emily. Sending you love, and having a great hang out with you in my mind!
I think this is one of the things that was hardest for me--how utterly unreliable I became, and sometimes still am. I was not a great wife, step-parent, colleague, friend, or family member. I lost time with loved ones that I will never get back. New teachers I was supposed to be mentoring did not get the support they deserved. My team shouldered much of my work and there is no doubt that it was an unfair burden to place on them. Likewise for my husband, who was left maintaining a life and a household meant to be shared between us. For a long time, I knew all of this emotionally but lacked the ability to express it, even to myself. So my apologies were late in coming and I fear that some people are lost to me forever. While this makes me sad, I don't blame them. Keep these posts coming, cousin. They are difficult for me to read, I think because they so echo my own lived experience and because they elicit the irrationality of survivor's guilt. At the same time, I look forward to reading them. Your words are helping people to understand the unimaginable and I thank you for it.